The'' Church'' May Not Be The Best Place To FInd Love

“If you are not a worker, you may never find the best spouse”. These were the words from the Senior Pastor’s Wife of my then Church. And that day I decided not to attend the Church again.

Several Churches in Nigeria, I don’t know of other parts of the world, but in Nigeria and maybe Africa as a whole, have a way of manipulating the minds of their youths into believing and imbibing some wrong truths that I later discovered were wrong having sort after God personally.

Let me say that there is a difference between “seeking God personally and seeking God through your Pastor”. I understand that there is a special anointing on your pastor. He has gifts, so do you. You have a special gift and if you spend time with God personally, you would discover those gifts.

Back to my story, it was very heartbreaking for me to have heard such from my then Senior Pastor’s wife, that I taught well, thank God I am educated, thank God I can understand and discern what is right from wrong. Even though I was a worker, I knew that statement wasn’t just totally wrong but could destroy many singles lives and break so many marriages even before they are established which broke my heart even more as I taught about it.

One thing I have learnt as a Psychologist is that “like attracts like”. You attract who you are in any relationship. And that’s why certain people who are friends with people with ugly character and attitudes may have such traits lying somewhere beneath even though they may claim that “being friends with them doesn’t necessarily mean they are the same”.

You attract those whom have the same values as you do, and if your values are centered on being nasty, hot tempered, negative, visionless, clueless, being a heavy drinker or a smoker or a coded prostitute, that which you are is exactly who you would attract. No apologies.

Now fast forward to three years after, I would have accepted and lived by that notion from the Senior Pastor’s wife had I not been married to my own husband who wasn’t a worker in Church yet a great but imperfect man.

Church is good for your spiritual growth even though the Church is the people in it not the building itself. Know that you are going to deal with people with real issues who sometimes go to Church to find solace and communicate with God about their issues.

Church is filled with people that sin differently from you-it is not a sin-free spot. So don’t expect to find a saint in Church. It is a gathering of people of different culture coming together every Sunday or week day to encourage one another in faith. So don’t be surprised when you find flawed people in the church neither should you put your trust in the church rather let it be on the Bridegroom of the Church-JESUS. 

Just like every other gathering, there are nice people in your Church and you may be lucky enough to find your potential spouse there but don’t also ignore the fact that there are “pretend-Christians” in the Church as well.

Of recent, these category of people have headed to the church to find themselves a spouse and you being a good and innocent brother or sister, may not find it quite easy to identify them as they also possess the ability to “speak in tongues” or sing some good choruses that blow your mind, or usher you into Church with such a great smile yet they have hidden secrets and ulterior motives for joining the work force or attending church in the first place.

And if you do not possess the ability to discern wrong from right and you do not personally seek God about such a crucial matter as finding yourself love or choosing a potential partner, you may end up in the wrong hands. 

This is not to emotionally murder anyone who attends church with the hope of getting rid of some bad attitudes or get delivered from a negative trait; this is directed at pointing out those who run to Church to hide under the umbrella of workers in God’s vineyard in order to get a spouse despite having a ugly past, or hidden agenda that they do not have the intention of revealing to their potential spouses.

Illustration 1:

Ted is a wonderful guy, he looks dapper when he sings on stage. Lola, the new-comer walked up to Him to compliment him for his beautiful voice and how it sent her to another level of spirituality during Church service. Ted and Lola exchanged phone numbers, they got talking on phone and looked forward to seeing each other after each Sunday service. About six months later of having built friendship and courtship (as recommended by some churches), Lola and ted proceeded to tie the Knot. 

On a beautiful day, when Lola couldn’t pretend all was fine when it wasn’t, when she couldn’t take it anymore, nor talk to Church counselling department any longer she filed for divorce. 

Poor Lola, a lady that had great plans for her life and wanted a great man to compliment her achievements didn’t know that Ted the powerful church Chorister was a pretender, an actor in fact, who got into every other female choristers pants to satisfy his burning libido and gratify his sexual urge that he couldn’t control. So He used the Church to find a great wife by performing all necessary rites to be a church worker in order to package himself well for the poor prey that he would catch.

This first illustration above shows an example of someone who probably had always been in the game of sleeping with different women but decided not to find help or enjoyed what he was doing. He also couldn’t disclose that to his Pastor so he wouldn’t be expelled from being a worker. 

Illustration 2:

Debby started attending Trinity Church about some weeks ago, she is the usher at the front door every Sunday who welcomes the congregation into Church. Bode, a well-meaning young man who only started attending church has an eye on the pretty Usher. He garnered enough courage after church one Sunday to walk up to Debby for a brief conversation which later led to a serious relationship between the two. They found in Church but months after their beautiful wedding at a lovely event center on the Island. Bode was singing his way out of the wedding humming “I found love in a hopeless place” having realized his now ex-wife is the Senior Pastor’s girlfriend. 

Church shouldn’t be a place where people who have had bad experience with a member of the congregation term as a “hopeless place” if certain things were rightfully put in place without giving in to sentiments- For instance, in the aspect of sex before marriage (which I believe is the most preached topic to youths), until the discussion goes beyond “no sex before marriage” to actually teaching and engaging youths in activities that wouldn’t only take their minds off sex till marriage, but lovingly teach them how to abstain without shoving the bible passages down their throats at every given opportunity, I think the church would rest from having unmarried pregnant teenagers and youths.  

The Church shares in the blame in these two scenarios, anyone coming to serve in God’s vineyard should be checked not based on spirituality level alone but mentally and emotionally in respect to my initial point on Church being a gathering of people with real life issues.

Asking them questions about their life, encouraging them to come out straight on whatever issues they may be hiding and prayerfully asking God to reveal anyone who has hidden agenda, so much more than Ted’s ability to speak in different tongues or Debby’s amazing voice would be revealed.

In essence, the church shouldn’t paint a picture of only attracting those who appear as perfectionists(Sister Mary who has successfully stopped putting on earrings or Uncle Bode who looks like he can’t hurt a fly) to worship with her.

Judging a book by its cover even on church matters, could mean attracting the wrong people to serve in God’s vineyard, hence a church filled with hurt people.

I would outnumber counting with my fingers if I begin to recall church workers who found love in the Church whose marriages have now ended. This explains to me and you that Church is filled people with real life issues who may not get appropriate help yet run under the shadow of the building pretending to serve in God’s vineyard yet living such life outside the walls of the church which not only repels people from Church, but gives them the confidence to generalize Christians as deceitful and hypocritical. 

For the one looking to find love in Church, make sure to prayerfully scrutinize any brother that says the Lord told me to walk up to you or any sister that says “now, I know you were the one God showed me in my dreams”.

 No doubt we are all flawed as human beings, we all have our bad sides and good sides. But when it comes to relationships, people should come out straight about their problems.

If you have a flaw that you know could eventually kill your marriage, get help. Running to Church to hide as a worker and Pastor could destroy a whole lot of things.   Get serious help, sometimes the church may not even be the best place to get help as they may be busy thinking about expansion and how to acquire a new private jet for the Pastor.

Your love spot may not be the Church, trust in God and look up not around nor by moving from Church to Church. There is nothing wrong with you, you have your issues, and so does every other individual in the Church.

I wish you the very best in your love quest.

source: www.thesoullifter,com